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separation

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Susie Orbach says the dissolution of a relationship can be as, or more, painful than a divorce because these non-marital relationships are less socially recognized

Kemiar Rueckert says the works of Donald Winnicott stating that the ability to be alone is an essential healthy indicator of emotional development and maturity. Once the child has achieved physical closeness and attachment during the period of development from attachment figures, he has the ability to develop autonomy and identity. If a child has not internalized the good and protective qualities of their parents, they will fear separation and breakups.

Stages of separation: Lee proposes 5 stages:

  • Dissatisfaction – one or both partners develop dissatisfaction with the relationship;
  • Exposure - both partners become aware of the problems in the relationship;
  • Negotiation – both partners try to negotiate solutions to problems
  • Solution and transformation - both partners apply the result of the negotiation
  • Termination – the proposed solution fails and no further solution is accepted or applied
  • Breakup cycle: Steve Duck proposes 6 stages of the breakup cycle:
  • Dissatisfaction with reality
  • Social withdrawal
  • Discussing the causes of dissatisfaction
  • It becomes public
  • Clarifying (cleaning) memories
  • Recreating social value
  • Factors that predict breakup
  • The unequal involvement in the involvement in the relationship
  • The age difference
  • Different educational aspirations
  • The difference in intelligence
  • Differences in physical attractiveness
  • The waterfall model of Gottman and Levenson:
  • criticize
  • Devensivity
  • Contempt
  • hardening
  • suspiciousness

Despair theory: Diane Vaughan proposes the theory of separation, where there is a turning point in the dynamics of breakups - a precise moment, when both knew that the relationship was over, when everything was dead inside, followed by a period of transition in which one of the partners subconsciously knows that the relationship will end, but with all that, he clings to it for a long time, which can even be years.

She considers that the separation process is asymmetrical for the initiator and the respondent: the latter begins to mourn the loss of the relationship, mentally but also experimentally, through a life without a partner. To get out of the relationship, the partners must redefine the relationship in a negative light, thus legitimizing the separation.

As a result, for Vaughan, exiting the relationship includes redefining the self at different levels: in one's own thinking, between partners, and in the social context where the relationship existed. She considers that separation is complete when the partners have redefined themselves and have been defined by others as independent of each other, when being a couple is no longer a major source of identity.

Conscious despair: it is the ability to understand that every irritation and controversy in the couple was a sign for introspection and to identify a negative internal object that requires healing. From this perspective, there are no bad partners, but only two individual entities, not just the relationship.

  • Consequences: breakups are extremely stressful, unpleasant, traumatic events, regardless of who initiated the breakup. Both partners experience a wide range of negative effects as a result of the couple's breakup, and this event has often earned the reputation of being one of the worst events in people's lives. Included here are psychological feelings of distress, bereavement reactions, a global decline in psychological well-being, and possible stalking behaviors. Individuals often work hard on their relationship to keep it intact, as long as they can bear it, precisely because of these negative effects felt, even if serious complications arise in the relationship. While the observed negative symptoms do not reflect the definition of PTSD, there are still some symptoms that resemble extremely traumatic events and destroy a person's life. However, not all individuals express the same level of impact after separation, as a result of mitigating factors based on the quality of the relationship before the dissolution.
  • Negative effects; Symptoms of psychological distress: individuals going through the dissolution of the relationship reported some acute symptoms of psychological distress - flashbacks and intrusive memories associated with partners, often triggered by important data from the relationship or even with the breakup. Another set of psychological distress reported by people going through a breakup would be avoidance behaviors. Living without a partner and going through emotional stress, it causes the modification of the self-concept. It implies an active denial or ignorance of the circumstances of the existing situation, or that led to the dissolution of the relationship. Individuals in this situation reported feelings of indifference and disinterest in the world around them due to the separation. The combination of avoidance behaviors and naturally occurring intrusive memories causes significant emotional swings and outbursts in the form of irritation, anger and fear. Individuals reported being much more paranoid, suspicious and jealous, often wanting to know information about e.g. Overall, these negative psychological symptoms taken together cause much lower levels of self-esteem. In addition, people go through a significant redefinition of their self-concept, by trying to understand who they are without a partner.
  • Mourning reactions: a natural effect of losing a relationship that a person hopes to keep, is that of mourning, because the desire to keep a relationship intact despite problems and complications is a natural desire. These result in people who go through separation displaying grief, symptoms such as insomnia, depression and suicidal thoughts. This tendency to show mourning and depression is so prevalent that researchers say that it contributes significantly to the onset of major depressive disorder in young adults.
  • Decline in psychological well-being: In addition to these negative effects, people who go through a breakup report a general decline in psychological well-being. Negative emotional effects often trigger behaviors and habits that are either detrimental to their mental health or represent a poor mental condition. These include: high level of alcohol consumption, weight loss, deterioration of physical health, access to psychiatric services, increase in criminal behavior, increase in the risk of suicide, negative emotions and experiences (guilt, anger, rejection, etc.).

Tracking behaviors: a behavior that has been observed after breakups is stalking, where one of the partners tries to maintain contact with the other, however undesirable this may be. This behavior can range from an amicable breakup with stalking behaviors without the desire to harass, to threats causing distress to the partner. This behavior can stem from the dissatisfaction followed by the breakup, as well as from the mistaken belief that follow-ups can restore the relationship. There is no clear definition for stalking behaviors that differentiate them from socially accepted behaviors, but they become more and more sinister when they are unwanted and persistent.

  • Positive effects: There is evidence that despite the most dire situations, there are chances for positive effects, positive emotions and growth. Breakups are no different than other growths following a significant stress, through the improvement of one's own person in the following relationships and the production of feelings of relief and freedom.
  • Increases following a significant stress: people who are subjected to stressful situations often have the opportunity for growth and development as a result of the stress. Without this drive for improvement, people are often driven to complacency and refuse to make the necessary efforts to progress in life. Different ways in which people see growth following a stressful event include improvements in how an individual sees himself, the way he interacts with those around him, or the overall outlook on life. Studies show that breakups are very characteristic for such stressful situations, as individuals experience them several times throughout their lives and are known from self-report examples, as being an increase following the experience.
  • Improvements in the following relationships: another positive result that was observed after breakups, has to do with the lessons that people would have learned going through the painful experience. Growth after a stressful event that a person is forced to go through causes improvements in general personality, self-image and the ability to interact with others. This is due to a higher level of maturity displayed by individuals as well as some awareness of what should be avoided in the future to ensure more satisfactory relationships.
  • Feelings of relief and freedom: while this is not necessarily a universal consequence that affects individuals going through a breakup, there is significant evidence that some people experience relief, freedom and happiness after a breakup. There is a great possibility that those who feel this way are also the ones who initiated the break-up, but studies show that there are cases in which the victims of the break-up realized after the dissolution of the relationship that their lives and relationships were not at all satisfactory and thus they feel the same them these experiences of relief, freedom and happiness.
  • Mitigating factors: while people who go through a breakup experience a different number of positive and negative experiences and effects, they manifest themselves at different levels from one person to another. This fact is due to the existence of so-called mitigating factors, which can either amplify or minimize the degree to which someone feels the consequences of the separation.
  • List of factors that have been shown to moderate the effects of individuals' lives:
  • The quality of the relationship
  • Duration of the relationship (longer relationships are more likely to be more painful after the breakup)
  • Recognizing love for the ex-partner (relationships that were full of love during the relationship can aggravate the consequences of living after separation)
  • The level of satisfaction for both partners (relationships that reported mutual satisfaction during the relationship are more likely to suffer during the breakup)
  • The level invested in maintaining the relationship (a high level invested in maintaining the relationship translates into greatly exaggerated feelings for the loss of the relationship)
  • The proportion of positive and negative memories from the relationship (individuals who had a greater number of positive memories from the relationship were less negatively affected compared to those who had negative memories about the ex or the relationship)
  • The romantic situation after the breakup
    • The ease of finding a new partner (the ability to find a new partner immediately after the breakup helps individuals better face the negative emotions and problems associated with the breakup)
    • Willingness to start a new relationship (openness to form a new relationship translated into a lower level of negative consequences after the breakup and a reduced level of victimization)
  • The circumstances of the separation
  • The initiator of the breakup (while both the initiator and the one left behind experience consequences after the breakup, the latter experiences fewer symptoms and in some cases experiences positive effects after the breakup)
  • Certainty of the reason for the breakup (not understanding the reason behind the breakup can cause higher levels of anxiety and other stress symptoms, while understanding the reasons and reaching a consensus was an important step for most individuals to move on and get over the breakup)
  • Characteristics of the participants
  • Resilience (people who have an above-average resistance, are less disturbed by the breakup and were less disturbed by the consequences)
  • Attachment style (the fearful attachment style was correlated with significant consequences during the breakup process)
  • The level of self-esteem (individuals with a high level of self-esteem help to be less stressed during the breakup and ease the most negative consequences)
  • Mental health (individuals with lower levels of mental health and substance abuse reported exaggerated levels of consequences during breakups)
  • Complexity of the self (individuals who display a complex self-image, which refers to the ability to perceive themselves more than just what they are in a relationship, are less shaken by the consequences of separation)
  • Gender (studies have shown that women, on average, present a greater number of negative symptoms during the breakup process)
  • Implementation of coping strategies
  • Distancing (avoidance of the problem was interpreted as negative coping results and the worsening of the consequences, while the willingness to face the problems and the engagement in solving them, presented mitigating factors of the consequences)
  • Finding benefits (the willingness to objectively evaluate the relationship as well as the ability to find benefits following the breakup helps people experience fewer stress-related symptoms during the breakup)
  • Perceived social support (individuals who felt that the people in the social group were on their side and were willing to offer them support during this stressful period, reported being less affected by the separation and the loss of the relationship)
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